Rediscovering My Musical Identity: From Performance Pressure to Creative Exploration
In this post, I share my journey of reconnecting with my musical and artistic self. Growing up in a performance-focused environment, I initially struggled to find personal meaning in my music. However, through self-reflection, learning new instruments, and engaging in creative hobbies, I’m slowly rediscovering the joy of music and art for myself—not just as a therapist or performer.
Ananya Muralidharan
3/7/20252 min read
When I was growing up, my musical and artistic identity was heavily shaped by my training in Carnatic music. My parents encouraged me to pursue this path, setting up numerous performance opportunities both in the US and India. While this upbringing has certainly benefited me in my career as a music therapist, I now believe it has also had a more complicated impact on my musical identity.
Since performance was the primary focus, I didn’t truly appreciate the value of this training until recently. Instead of feeling inspired, it often felt more like pressure to build my musical skill and identity. Over time, I’ve slowly started to explore my musical identity in new ways—through my listening habits, learning new instruments, and revisiting my Indian classical roots.
During my undergraduate studies in music therapy, there were a few moments where I was encouraged to reflect on my musical identity. However, with the overwhelming responsibilities of being a student—learning to play guitar, being introduced to the piano, leading interventions on guitar and piano, mastering classical vocal repertoire, and familiarizing myself with various percussion instruments—I didn’t have much time to focus on my artistic identity.
It wasn’t until my music therapy internship that I felt I finally had the space to reflect on my musical identity. To my surprise, I realized I wasn’t all that familiar with this part of myself. Since then, I’ve made a conscious effort to invest more time in exploring my artistic and musical identity.
Lately, I’ve been reconnecting with my creative, non-perfectionist side through activities like doodling and coloring at least twice a week. I’ve found it to be a truly therapeutic way to unwind after a long day. I’ve also been making an effort to learn songs for my own enjoyment (rather than for clients or patients) on the piano and guitar. Since I already play these instruments frequently for work, it’s been a bit of a challenge to find the energy for fun, personal music-making after hours.
Additionally, I recently joined a local community chorus, which has been a wonderful experience. Being part of that group has given me a sense of fulfillment and joy—it feels right, deep in my gut. I’m so glad to have reconnected with my "chorus girl" side.
That said, I’m not claiming to have mastered the art of balancing creative hobbies with my professional responsibilities. But I’m genuinely happy to be making more intentional efforts in this area. Watch my most recent Instagram video to see visuals of me practicing these hobbies! There’s still a lot to learn and reflect on, but I’m excited about this journey.